Last night I let Ms. 3rd grade stay up extra late to watch some of the American Music Awards...she wanted to hear, "Moves Like Jagger," which I can appreciate.
It was about the time that Jennifer Lopez did her first song that I realized I may have made a terrible decision.
"Mama, WHAT is she wearing??"
Umm, a sequined bathing suit.
"Come on mom, she's not going swimming."
No...
Well...she exercises a lot and she wants people to be healthy, so she is showing off her fit body to encourage others to work out.
"You exercise a lot...heehee."
Wise ass.
Next thing I know Ms. 3rd grade is on her hands and knees attempting to "exercise" like J-Lo. Awesome.
"Mama."
Yes, Miss K.
"What does the tooth fairy do with all the teeth?"
She makes jewelry and gives it to Santa and the Easter Bunny for the holidays.
"So the Easter Bunny might be wearing my tooth this year?..."
"Gross."
Pre-k 2, what do you want Santa to bring you for Christmas this year?
"I want a purple dress and purple wings and purple shoes and purple striped tights and purple sunglasses."
Is purple your favorite color?
"No...it's green."
Anything else?
"A dishwasher for you mom."
Can his name be Johnny Depp?
Monday, November 21, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
Time keeps on Ticking....
Standing in front of the cashier at Fresh Market...
"Mama,"
Yes, my lovely 4th child, whom I often refer to as princess, enlighten me with your great words of wisdom...
"I tooted in my farting pants!"
I'm sorry...you what??
"I tooted in my farting pants!"
Did you say excuse me?
"Excuse me."
You have excellent manners.
With the passage of time, all names have been changed to protect those whose craziness I expose...I'm sure it will be easy to catch on.
Yesterday, I was changing into my gym clothes while Miss K was in the room.
"snicker, snicker...heehee..."
What's so funny??
"I can see your body and it looks silly."
Come on...really??
Bodies have been of huge interest around here the past few months. So, if you have a problem with the word penis...stop reading here.
Just the other day, Pre-K 2 was straddling her crib rail and shouted out, "Ouch!! I hurt my weiner!!"
You don't have a weiner...
"I know, but it hurts anyway."
"Mama, I know why pre-K 2, Miss K and Madame 3rd grade don't have penises..."
Oh???
"because they fell off when they were born."
Nope. No. Definitely not.
I am proud to share that bath time has turned into an educational experience in our house...
"Miss K, my penis is really long."
"Let me see..." (after viewing) "How did you make it do that??"
"I don't know, it just happened."
"Well, I'm gonna cover it up and you make it happen again..."
If only it was that easy.
"Mama,"
Yes, my lovely 4th child, whom I often refer to as princess, enlighten me with your great words of wisdom...
"I tooted in my farting pants!"
I'm sorry...you what??
"I tooted in my farting pants!"
Did you say excuse me?
"Excuse me."
You have excellent manners.
With the passage of time, all names have been changed to protect those whose craziness I expose...I'm sure it will be easy to catch on.
Yesterday, I was changing into my gym clothes while Miss K was in the room.
"snicker, snicker...heehee..."
What's so funny??
"I can see your body and it looks silly."
Come on...really??
Bodies have been of huge interest around here the past few months. So, if you have a problem with the word penis...stop reading here.
Just the other day, Pre-K 2 was straddling her crib rail and shouted out, "Ouch!! I hurt my weiner!!"
You don't have a weiner...
"I know, but it hurts anyway."
"Mama, I know why pre-K 2, Miss K and Madame 3rd grade don't have penises..."
Oh???
"because they fell off when they were born."
Nope. No. Definitely not.
I am proud to share that bath time has turned into an educational experience in our house...
"Miss K, my penis is really long."
"Let me see..." (after viewing) "How did you make it do that??"
"I don't know, it just happened."
"Well, I'm gonna cover it up and you make it happen again..."
If only it was that easy.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Happy Birthday Buddy
Today I made the mistake of looking under my couch.
Apparently Miss K has been hiding treats...nerds...out of their boxes...UNDER MY COUCH.
"Miss K, why have you been hiding candy under my couch???"
"In case I get hungry...duh."
Yesterday, pre - k 3 officially became pre - k 4...very exciting stuff.
The day before becoming a pre - k 4, he had 2 temper tantrums and pooped in his bathing suit...REALLY...in your BATHING SUIT?? but whhhhyyyy?
Is there any way to keep him a pre - k 3, because I think I may have liked him better that way.
"Buddy, what do you want to do for your big day??...swim? movies? bowling?"
"Open more presents."
"Jumping place? bikes?..."
"Open more presents."
Is anyone hiring? I may not be suited for this job.
Apparently Miss K has been hiding treats...nerds...out of their boxes...UNDER MY COUCH.
"Miss K, why have you been hiding candy under my couch???"
"In case I get hungry...duh."
Yesterday, pre - k 3 officially became pre - k 4...very exciting stuff.
The day before becoming a pre - k 4, he had 2 temper tantrums and pooped in his bathing suit...REALLY...in your BATHING SUIT?? but whhhhyyyy?
Is there any way to keep him a pre - k 3, because I think I may have liked him better that way.
"Buddy, what do you want to do for your big day??...swim? movies? bowling?"
"Open more presents."
"Jumping place? bikes?..."
"Open more presents."
Is anyone hiring? I may not be suited for this job.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
What's in your diaper??
Today is the day after we took the Dictator to her first fireworks show...
Happily there is an entire year separating this 4th of July and next, because that will give her time to recover.
Yesterday, I was changing Baby D's diaper and she starts singing...which is not uncommon...I guess I would be happy to be clean as well...
"I.....DON'T have a PEENNISS (yep that says penis) in MYYY DIAPER and Pre-K 4 doesn't have a GINA in His Pants!!!"
I checked the charts, it's number 4 this week.
Happy 4th!!
Happily there is an entire year separating this 4th of July and next, because that will give her time to recover.
Yesterday, I was changing Baby D's diaper and she starts singing...which is not uncommon...I guess I would be happy to be clean as well...
"I.....DON'T have a PEENNISS (yep that says penis) in MYYY DIAPER and Pre-K 4 doesn't have a GINA in His Pants!!!"
I checked the charts, it's number 4 this week.
Happy 4th!!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Who's in Charge Here???
So last week I couldn't find my cell phone.
No worries, I usually can't find my cell phone.
I'm in the kitchen and the Dictator strolls up,
"Mama, I got your phone."
"Really...where was it??"
"In the pool."
To Verizon troops.
For obvious reasons, I am not a Smart Phone type of girl. $50.00 rebate later, free phone...bring on the pool.
While in the store, the delightfuls were bribed with promises of grilled cheese goodness if they could just not destroy the place...overall, they were successful...it's easy to stay out of trouble when you bring Baby Dictator along.
She is easily my wisest child...and I mean that in a very bad way.
It took nearly 10 seconds for her to figure out that my threats were weak and easily survivable and more importantly, that if the Verizon store is next door to the grilled cheese goodness restaurant...there really is no chance that we aren't going.
I didn't have a real problem with her shelf rearranging or her track expo, but when she wrapped herself in the floor mat and kept telling the rest of the crew, "SHHH I sleepin..."
...even after Miss THIRD grade kindly reminded her, "People wipe their dirty shoes there...even dog poo."
I needed to take a stand.
"Dictator, sit in this chair until I'm finished buying my new phone."
"SHHH, I sleepin!"
No worries, I usually can't find my cell phone.
I'm in the kitchen and the Dictator strolls up,
"Mama, I got your phone."
"Really...where was it??"
"In the pool."
To Verizon troops.
For obvious reasons, I am not a Smart Phone type of girl. $50.00 rebate later, free phone...bring on the pool.
While in the store, the delightfuls were bribed with promises of grilled cheese goodness if they could just not destroy the place...overall, they were successful...it's easy to stay out of trouble when you bring Baby Dictator along.
She is easily my wisest child...and I mean that in a very bad way.
It took nearly 10 seconds for her to figure out that my threats were weak and easily survivable and more importantly, that if the Verizon store is next door to the grilled cheese goodness restaurant...there really is no chance that we aren't going.
I didn't have a real problem with her shelf rearranging or her track expo, but when she wrapped herself in the floor mat and kept telling the rest of the crew, "SHHH I sleepin..."
...even after Miss THIRD grade kindly reminded her, "People wipe their dirty shoes there...even dog poo."
I needed to take a stand.
"Dictator, sit in this chair until I'm finished buying my new phone."
"SHHH, I sleepin!"
Thursday, June 9, 2011
The Rules...
On our way to Trader Joe's this morning, my favorite question..."Can we get a treat???" came at me from a little voice in the backseat.
As always, the response, "Well, what do you think you will need to do to EARN a treat???"
Here's the How To Earn A Treat list that the boy and the Dictator came up with...
1. Don't put your finger in your mouth.
2. Don't put your finger in your ear.
3. Don't put your finger in your sister's nose.
and MOST IMPORTANTLY
4. DO NOT poop in your pants.
So in we went...
after just moments of "shopping," the dictator had to be strapped in the cart for random acts of Totally Horrible behavior and then shouted "UNBUCKLE ME" so loudly and often that a daring Trader Joe's employee tried to "help out" with stickers...
"NO WANT STICKERS!!! UNBUCKLE ME!!"
Thanks anyway :)
As we got back in the car, the boy said, "So, can we get a treat??"
Well, you didn't put your finger in any inappropriate places and we're all poop free, so why not.
As always, the response, "Well, what do you think you will need to do to EARN a treat???"
Here's the How To Earn A Treat list that the boy and the Dictator came up with...
1. Don't put your finger in your mouth.
2. Don't put your finger in your ear.
3. Don't put your finger in your sister's nose.
and MOST IMPORTANTLY
4. DO NOT poop in your pants.
So in we went...
after just moments of "shopping," the dictator had to be strapped in the cart for random acts of Totally Horrible behavior and then shouted "UNBUCKLE ME" so loudly and often that a daring Trader Joe's employee tried to "help out" with stickers...
"NO WANT STICKERS!!! UNBUCKLE ME!!"
Thanks anyway :)
As we got back in the car, the boy said, "So, can we get a treat??"
Well, you didn't put your finger in any inappropriate places and we're all poop free, so why not.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Good Morning...Officer.
Pardon me...I've been gardening.
This morning I was looking at myself in the mirror and wondering why, at the great age of 38, I had put on the "Freshman 15" this winter.
Just a moment ago, as I was eating chocolate chip cookies like they were grapes, I think I figured it out.
Today I took the 3 munchkins to see Miss Second Grade sing in the parent appreciation performance, which was super cute.
I left the show feeling pleased that the Dictator only shouted, "We go now!" 2 or 3 times and pre-k 3, who is now pre-k 4 (holy cow) only committed silent acts of craziness...for example, shirt sleeve biting and head into abdomen ramming.
**I must preface the next part of the story by saying that our family has been in MD for nearly 2 years now, so apparently we're staying...**
....at least that was the opinion of the police officer who was actually waiting for me to return to my (unknowingly) illegally parked, unregistered (knowingly) vehicle - the one with the expired PA plates.
His first words were, "Are you kidding me, you dumb-a--, don't you know I can tow your car, and leave you here on the sidewalk with your three very short-legged children, with no stroller, in the 85 degree heat..." or something similar to that.
After a talking to like none I have ever received, since middle school anyway...
Officer Just Ruined My Morning had "somewhere else to be" so he let me off with a parking ticket and an expired registration ticket and a warning that he knew where I lived and he would be checking in to make sure I became responsible some time in the next week...justice served.
My first call was to Nick...I needed to officially blame the owner of the vehicle.
His response, "I got a parking ticket this morning at the hospital."
But my favorite part of the hour between 9am and 10am, was when the officer was checking my license... shockingly I have one... and the dictator says, "Who that man mama?"
He's a police officer.
"Mama, why you call him G-d Dammit?"
This morning I was looking at myself in the mirror and wondering why, at the great age of 38, I had put on the "Freshman 15" this winter.
Just a moment ago, as I was eating chocolate chip cookies like they were grapes, I think I figured it out.
Today I took the 3 munchkins to see Miss Second Grade sing in the parent appreciation performance, which was super cute.
I left the show feeling pleased that the Dictator only shouted, "We go now!" 2 or 3 times and pre-k 3, who is now pre-k 4 (holy cow) only committed silent acts of craziness...for example, shirt sleeve biting and head into abdomen ramming.
**I must preface the next part of the story by saying that our family has been in MD for nearly 2 years now, so apparently we're staying...**
....at least that was the opinion of the police officer who was actually waiting for me to return to my (unknowingly) illegally parked, unregistered (knowingly) vehicle - the one with the expired PA plates.
His first words were, "Are you kidding me, you dumb-a--, don't you know I can tow your car, and leave you here on the sidewalk with your three very short-legged children, with no stroller, in the 85 degree heat..." or something similar to that.
After a talking to like none I have ever received, since middle school anyway...
Officer Just Ruined My Morning had "somewhere else to be" so he let me off with a parking ticket and an expired registration ticket and a warning that he knew where I lived and he would be checking in to make sure I became responsible some time in the next week...justice served.
My first call was to Nick...I needed to officially blame the owner of the vehicle.
His response, "I got a parking ticket this morning at the hospital."
But my favorite part of the hour between 9am and 10am, was when the officer was checking my license... shockingly I have one... and the dictator says, "Who that man mama?"
He's a police officer.
"Mama, why you call him G-d Dammit?"
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