Who's in Charge Here???

So last week I couldn't find my cell phone.

No worries, I usually can't find my cell phone.

I'm in the kitchen and the Dictator strolls up,

"Mama, I got your phone."
"Really...where was it??"
"In the pool."

To Verizon troops.

For obvious reasons, I am not a Smart Phone type of girl. $50.00 rebate later, free phone...bring on the pool.

While in the store, the delightfuls were bribed with promises of grilled cheese goodness if they could just not destroy the place...overall, they were successful...it's easy to stay out of trouble when you bring Baby Dictator along.

She is easily my wisest child...and I mean that in a very bad way.

It took nearly 10 seconds for her to figure out that my threats were weak and easily survivable and more importantly, that if the Verizon store is next door to the grilled cheese goodness restaurant...there really is no chance that we aren't going.

I didn't have a real problem with her shelf rearranging or her track expo, but when she wrapped herself in the floor mat and kept telling the rest of the crew, "SHHH I sleepin..." 

...even after Miss THIRD grade kindly reminded her, "People wipe their dirty shoes there...even dog poo."

I needed to take a stand.

"Dictator, sit in this chair until I'm finished buying my new phone."

"SHHH, I sleepin!"

The Rules...

On our way to Trader Joe's this morning, my favorite question..."Can we get a treat???" came at me from a little voice in the backseat.
As always, the response, "Well, what do you think you will need to do to EARN a treat???"

Here's the How To Earn A Treat list that the boy and the Dictator came up with...

1. Don't put your finger in your mouth.
2. Don't put your finger in your ear.
3. Don't put your finger in your sister's nose.

and MOST IMPORTANTLY

4. DO NOT poop in your pants.

So in we went...
after just moments of "shopping," the dictator had to be strapped in the cart for random acts of Totally Horrible behavior and then shouted "UNBUCKLE ME" so loudly and often that a daring Trader Joe's employee tried to "help out" with stickers...

"NO WANT STICKERS!!! UNBUCKLE ME!!"  


Thanks anyway :)

As we got back in the car, the boy said, "So, can we get a treat??"

Well, you didn't put your finger in any inappropriate places and we're all poop free, so why not.

Good Morning...Officer.

Pardon me...I've been gardening.

This morning I was looking at myself in the mirror and wondering why, at the great age of 38, I had put on the "Freshman 15" this winter.
Just a moment ago, as I was eating chocolate chip cookies like they were grapes, I think I figured it out.


Today I took the 3 munchkins to see Miss Second Grade sing in the parent appreciation performance, which was super cute. 
I left the show feeling pleased that the Dictator only shouted, "We go now!" 2 or 3 times and pre-k 3, who is now pre-k 4 (holy cow) only committed silent acts of craziness...for example, shirt sleeve biting and head into abdomen ramming.

**I must preface the next part of the story by saying that our family has been in MD for nearly 2 years now, so apparently we're staying...**

....at least that was the opinion of the police officer who was actually waiting for me to return to my (unknowingly) illegally parked, unregistered (knowingly) vehicle - the one with the expired PA plates.

His first words were, "Are you kidding me, you dumb-a--, don't you know I can tow your car, and leave you here on the sidewalk with your three very short-legged children, with no stroller, in the 85 degree heat..." or something similar to that.

After a talking to like none I have ever received, since middle school anyway...

Officer Just Ruined My Morning had "somewhere else to be" so he let me off with a parking ticket and an expired registration ticket and a warning that he knew where I lived and he would be checking in to make sure I became responsible some time in the next week...justice served.

My first call was to Nick...I needed to officially blame the owner of the vehicle.
His response, "I got a parking ticket this morning at the hospital."

But my favorite part of the hour between 9am and 10am, was when the officer was checking my license... shockingly I have one... and the dictator says, "Who that man mama?"

He's a police officer.

"Mama, why you call him G-d Dammit?"